danger

You are making me smile
with your burts bees kisses
& champagne aftertaste
i do you up some lines of xanax, cut with a food stamps card
laid out on the dirtiest of porn dvds
i pack up a bowl, keeping the theme up
(or down)
"that old married couple"
relaxation is a luxury
& i'm luxuriating in your tiny frame
& the way your skin smells
closing my eyes i am thinking of the eleven new bars of irish spring in the bathroom cabinet
that you NEED there at all times
your ocd fills me up like shots of jager
warm and safe and at home
with my homo
dangerously close to middle aged, we hold hands
& make every night a honeymoon.

this is an actual work email...from my job

Subject:
Hi, Mateo!
Could you have a lead and/or mngr look at 18m.jpg? I'm not sure if
she's wearing undies or if that's a hairy bush. Please update and re-
send to the photos que for processing if necessary.

Mahalo! ;-p

ode

disregard the feel of my palm
against your cheek
the lines that tell my fortune are
embedded with dirt and
(i work hard)
its hard work
being this casual about the future
this rolled-eyes, shrugged-shoulders puppet of
your christmas past
a love letter folded so many times,
you have to guess at the words lost to creases
"for you"
"forever"
and honestly
"forever" is just a gimmick to get you to
on your knees.

- scenes from a panic attack -

There are no special tricks to get a passport in a hurry,
if you have never in fact, had a passport. Clicking on links like "How to get a passport in a hurry" will not help.

There's a thing about homeland security.
A thing about the Truman Show and how he was tricked into thinking there was nothing more to see in the world.

I remain unconvinced.
I send emails to remind certain people the certain way they certainly make me feel.
A series end or a cliffhanger 'til next season?
A Virgo, I leave that open-ended.

Last week I got a text that started "I hate to be the one to tell you this..."
Coincidence number 4764764734698: Mere hours before that text, I gave away all my klonopin. My entire month's supply thinking I could get more, but knowing I probably wouldn't.

Getting a passport in a hurry is like trying to maybe have your tubes tied. Or maybe a late term abortion.
Waiting period. Papers to fill out. Notary stamps, the are-you-sure's, the people to notify in case of.

There is nothing born of impulse anymore and my body, my soul can't take it.
And so i numb it. White lines, blue lines, bong hits. 3.99 bottles of wine.

My one impulse is muted by the ear-splitting calls of my own heart, which lies in an eternal palsied state; loud but still, until you kiss me.
And make it better.
How Long?
How Long?
How Long?

Don't be Inept when it comes to Me pt.1

He's at my work.
He's at my work and I'm not there and they've called me to say he's lurking.Lusting.
It is a tragic little saturday night and there's the threat of the ice storm outside and he's out there. His windowless $300 car with his no registration/title/or license having self. Moping.
The wintery mix outside just adds to the cold, dark spot my heart
has taken refuge in.
It's been so long since he was sane.
I want to go out there, hold him.
Shake him into a fucked up, unreciprocated oblivion.
"I WANT YOU BACK!!"
I want to scream at the hollow, catatonic Not Him. I want to will him back to me, lead him to my waiting arms with a trail of anti-psychotics and prozac.
Is it love?
Is it Real Him, driven by love for me, sitting out in that piece of shit car, chainsmoking to the sounds of familiarity he associates with me?

I grab my motherfucking coat and leave my questions swirling behind me like the ghost of christmas past.

spiral

One of the best things that can happen on a shitty day is, in your downward spiral you happen across an old coping mechanism. A cd you fucking listened to like a second heartbeat once upon a (different) heart ache.. That was this afternoon and re-discovering how perfect "The unwanted sounds of" by Satisfact is.


you arrive with your perfect face
crushing my domestic space


I was thinking "Mateo you have smoked way too much weed and you think perhaps this album was written to tell the story of your life!"
and then I was thinking about cupcakes.

Today is cold and dreary. Yesterday was cold and dreary. All this with clear effects on my heart.

word

My new euphemism for masturbate is "SEXUALLY REFLECT".
As in, I was sexually reflecting about that time me and a certain somebody went to go look at rental houses so we could sex hard in them.